| This month's winner is a very special product. It's | | | | when one of them finds the Home Defibrillator? |
| the Home Defibrillator. In case you don't know | | | | OH BOY! LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!! "Hey Joe, |
| what a defibrillator is, it's one of those things they | | | | stand on your head, chug this beer and we'll hit |
| use to shock someone when their heart has | | | | you with 5 thousand volts. It's an awesome rush!" |
| stopped. Now when BillyBob has a heart attack, | | | | Or maybe, "Whoa dude, at the lowest setting it |
| there's no need to drag him outside, grab the | | | | makes your hair stand straight up. But at the |
| jumper cables, hook them up to the old pickup | | | | highest setting your eyes light up and blink like a |
| and zap him. Just grab your home defibrillator. | | | | neon sign. It's really cool." I'm sure more party |
| (Hummm... I wonder if it would work the other | | | | games will follow. "Dude, hold these paddles while |
| way around. The car won't start and I can't find | | | | you suck on the keg. We'll start turning this knob. |
| the jumper cables. Grab the paddles, zap the | | | | See how long you can take it. The record is |
| battery....good as new!) | | | | setting 5 so far. Don't worry dude, it's cool. Ken |
| A couple of problems I have with the Home | | | | did it and he stopped twitching after an hour or |
| Defibrillator come from the commercials I've seen | | | | so!" |
| for it. The first thing they tell you in the | | | | Yeah, this is just the thing I want at my house. |
| commercial is that 80 percent of the people who | | | | Forget the fake stethoscope and thermometer. |
| die from heart attacks never had any previous | | | | Let the kids play doctor with the real thing! While |
| symptoms. And that most of them could have | | | | you're at it, give them everything in your |
| been saved if there had been a defibrillator close | | | | medicine cabinet along with a scalpel and one of |
| by. Okay fair enough. Then they tell you that you | | | | those syringes with the really long needles. |
| can only get the Home Defibrillator by prescription. | | | | This sure sounds like a handy thing to have |
| Now wait a minute. If I don't have any symptoms | | | | around the house. I bet it would work well in the |
| of heart problems, why would a doctor write me | | | | kitchen too! "Mom, I put a potato in the |
| a prescription for a defibrillator? Just in case I | | | | microwave oven, but it didn't cook it all the way |
| might have one? I think that's taking preventive | | | | though. Where's the Home Defibrillator?" Maybe at |
| medicine just a little too far. If a doctor came to | | | | restaurants. "Can I warm your coffee up for |
| you and said, "We've ran some tests and we | | | | you?" ZAP! Now it's nice and hot. |
| have found no signs of cancer. But just to be | | | | Maybe you can start your own business with it. |
| safe, we're going to give you Chemo Therapy | | | | Instead of a lemonade stand, maybe the kids can |
| anyway." Would you ever go back to that | | | | start a shock therapy clinic in the front yard. I bet |
| doctor? I don't think so. Let's do all kinds of other | | | | there are a lot of people in the neighborhood that |
| stuff, just to be sure. Let's cut off all my limbs | | | | could use it. And you can charge a lot more for |
| just in case I might ever get gangrene in any of | | | | the service than selling some warm, colored sugar |
| them. Let's put in a pacemaker just in case my | | | | water. |
| heart ever decides to stop beating regularly on it's | | | | Yes, this is a wonderful product. It has 1001 uses. |
| own. Let's do a liver transplant just in case mine | | | | Just think about it and I'm sure you can come up |
| might be going bad on me. Come on, how far do | | | | with more on your own. The possibilities are |
| you want to take this just in case thing? | | | | endless. So to the makers of the Home |
| I'm sure this product will save lives. But I don't | | | | Defibrillator, I say thank you for giving us this |
| think I want Joe Smoe zapping me with a few | | | | wonderful life saving device/party game/kitchen |
| thousands volts. I'd much rather have some one | | | | device. Because of your advanced thinking, you |
| who's had a little bit of training, like maybe A | | | | have rightly earned this months Moron of the |
| DOCTOR, using it on me. I really don't want some | | | | Month award.Robert Clayton is a new writer to |
| moron using it on me just because I fell asleep on | | | | the world of humor. Having loved to make people |
| the couch. "LOOK, he's not moving and his eyes | | | | laugh his whole life, Robert has turned his comdey |
| are closed! He's had a heart attack. Quick BillyBob, | | | | skills toward the direction of writing. He maintains |
| grab the defibrillator! No, forget jump starting the | | | | the site where he shares many of his wild |
| car, we need to zap him right now!" | | | | thoughts and articles. If you need a laugh in your |
| Now I'm sure there will be lots of other fun uses | | | | life, look for other articles by Robert and be sure |
| for the Home Defibrillator. Can you imagine being | | | | to check out his website. |
| at a party with about 20 drunken college students | | | | |